Isn't that love?

LOVE.

What is it? 

So, what is love? How does it feel? 

In my personal opinion, these aren't facts, I'm just stating what it is in my own perspective. Love is when you feel like you're home. Love is when you know that at the end of the day, it's where you can go back to. Be it a building, a person, an object, anything!  

Loving a person (relationship) is exactly the same. You know you love a person when you start the day with them and you end the day with them. You know you love a person when you still feel that same tingling feeling even after being together for a long time. Love is very subjective. It can mean a lot of different things to different people. If I were to write down all about what I think love is, it would probably be a never ending essay. 

Love however, doesn't come by often. You feel it only with certain people. It cannot be forced and grown from zero. At least not to me. I can only love a person if I already have that initial interest. Love is just like a plant. I needs a seed to grow. That's me. That's how I function and I've only had one seed planted until the day I met H. 

I can still remember how I felt when I first saw him. Though, I can't explain what I felt. I wish I could but it's simply unexplainable yet I knew that this person was special. I felt it in my gut that this is a sign but being human, we will always have doubts and so I did nothing. I didn't go looking for him. Neither did I actually pay attention to this. I went on with my life like normal. 

Suddenly, fate came back and completed its purpose. Some way somehow, the world brought us back together and we got closer and closer each time we have a conversation. He really is special. From the way he talks, the way he thinks, his opinions etc. I started falling for him. I tried to contain myself and prevent myself from doing so but I failed. Probably it's just fate telling me to accept its gift and in the end, I did. I found my home.

People can talk about how fast it happened and all of that and to be honest, it is. It did happen really fast but that is why you need to have faith. Things will fall into place just as long as you believe it can. Law of attraction. I believed and so far Alhamdulillah, it has been going great. I've been smiling a lot and I genuinely am happy. I finally feel like I got the happiness I deserve. 

Mr. H makes me happy. He is amazing. Even words cannot describe him. I'm a very lucky girl to be able to be with someone so nice and sincere. I know you're probably thinking "Alaa, baru sekejap je. Lama lama bosan lah tu" or somewhere along those lines, but this guy makes me feel like how Amin made me feel but even better. Way way better. I can feel in my skin, bones and fats that this is the guy I wanna be with till I can't any more. 

Until next time, X

Butterflies, don't fly away.

Life has been such a bumpy ride lately, a rollercoaster. But that's life. You can't have it all, all the time. There will come a time where you are at your worst and also your best. I was not in the best state I can be last month. I was stressed, annoyed, insecure and just plain sad. Couldn't help but to feel like that at the time but it's natural and I knew that I'll get back up and that's what happened.

I got back up. With the help of my family, my two beloved roommates, my oh so loving coursemates and another person who should remain nameless for the moment - let's call him, Anonymous. So, I've been spending a lot of time with my two roommates, Afiqah and Zulaika (unofficial roommate). I don't have that many girl friends so spending time with them really makes me happy. Honestly, I do not know how they feel about me being around them but I am honestly thankful to have them around me. I enjoy their company.

My coursemates? Well, I recently started wearing hijab and I am touched by how supportive they are of it. You know, I would never thought that I could clique with them but I was absolutely wrong. They are just as crazy as I am and it's awesome. To have these smart people who are not only smart but not boring! They are far from boring and trust me, they know how to have fun. They made bearing with EE Engineering a lot easier because they are so helpful. They aren't selfish when it comes to sharing knowledge and helping out. They are family. We are one family and I'm happy to be a part of that family.

So about Mr. Anonymous. I haven't known him for very long but I want to. I wanna get to know him. I believe in fate and the fact that everything happens for a reason. I don't know if this is fate or anything but that's where faith comes along. Personally, it is extremely difficult for me to actually fall for someone. I'm not being choosy, it's just the heart saying that he's not the one. And because I am easily annoyed. I cannot stand stalkers who has to search my name in Google to know more about me or rely on reading my tweets to know how I'm currently feeling. I'm a social network addict but when it comes to relationships, I do not believe in using the social network to mainly communicate or know more about the person. So back to Mr. Anonymous. As of now, July 13, 2013 (not saying I'll be certain of this feeling in the future), he's awesome. I won't describe why here because well, I don't want to jinx it but I will say this. He makes me want to care. There's this feeling inside me which I can't really tell if I've felt it before or not but I want it to stay.

Life is good when it's good. I have got to remind myself that that could easily change so that I won't take things for granted. I'd share more but until I feel comfortable doing so, this will be it.

X

Everything ends.

All hopes are gone,

When I thought things started to turn around,

I was searching for something,

That was not meant to be found.

I may be loud,

I may be outspoken,

But that could easily be a disguise,

A simple misconception.

No one sees the real me,

But they think they do,

It's all about how you present yourself,

Not everyone wants others to see the real you.

That's the hardest secret,

A person could ever keep,

It's the thing that makes them most vulnerable,

Not everyone share something that deep.

One simple thing,

For everyone to remember,

Is that think before you speak,

Because nothing in this world last forever.

When you rise, you will fall.

I have a lot of things on my mind that I wish was easy to express without offending anybody. I am a lot of things. I do everything but I'm never actually good enough at one thing for me to actually be proud of. I don't have that one special talent that I excel in so most of the time, I end up feeling worthless and useless and basically awful about myself because I'm not good enough in anything or good enough for anyone.

Poor self confidence is what I'm suffering. I don't believe that I can be good at something ever. I psych myself out. Nobody needs to do that to me cause I've already done it for them but since they don't know that, I still get psyched by others which results in double the stress.

Sometimes I wanna just sit down and be quiet and actually be my true true self but what would that do? I'm not usually bubbly or talkative or what not. I do that mostly to avoid awkward situations but if I had a choice, I'd probably shut people down because I don't wanna get hurt. I would just be in my own world but then, humans being humans, will say that I'm arrogant and anti-social and I don't like that either. I mean yes, people say what they wanna say and you're not supposed to care but newsflash, it matters. What people think of you or say about you matters. I myself want to not care but having having people talk nice things and giving moral support is much better than having people talk bad and bring you down.

These things play a huge role in life, at least in mine. Considering I've always been the person who has always had trouble keeping friends. I don't know why. Everything I do just never seems to be right. I wouldn't even consider the fact that they're jealous of me because I have nothing worth being jealous of but like I said, I have my flaws. My imperfections are all over the place.

I already know I'm imperfect. I don't need anyone else to contribute to that and make me feel worse about myself. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. I'm not gonna deny that constructive criticism is a good thing but all I actually need (which I never really get) is a boost. I don't wanna feel completely worthless. I can handle criticisms but I'm only human. I do have a heart. I'm not heartless yet. Nobody can ever see what's beyond my surface. What and who I really am has always been kept discretely.

No one knows me and no one ever will.

Happiness

HAPPINESS : The beginning of how my life started to turn around.

Let me just refresh your memory and my memory. Last year around September or so, I had to experience an awful awful break-up with a guy I was with for almost 3 years. 3 months to 3 years to be exact. We fell apart and no matter how much I tried to save it, the effort was only a one way street which basically ended the relationship. He moved on in a flash while I was in my most vulnerable state ever and life itself felt meaningless at the time. I was a wreck. Complete and utter wreck. Cried everyday and night, I had hate surrounding me and all the negative vibes I had around me didn't make it any better. 

I tried moving on too so that I won't have to feel lonely. What do you expect from a girl who got used to always having someone there when she needs him and suddenly don't anymore. I was depressed and very lonely. I'm not the kind of girl who dates a lot and neither am I good at the flirting game but I'm attracted to people easily. I like them but it is very difficult for me to fall in love with them. I get bored, agitated and annoyed very easily. The spark usually lasts 3 months at the most. The guy who I was with for years (his name is Amin) was one of the exceptions.

There were a few people who approached me but I just couldn't be with them. I don't know why but then I met this guy, thinking he was the one that could fill up the hole in my depressing heart but I still knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but I took a risk and it ended being a risk I never should have taken. I still wasn't ready. It lasted for 3 months and in that 3 months I still could not get over Amin. Though, I did not lie whatsoever, I was honest the whole entire time. He knew I was still hurt and all and I felt really guilty for hurting him but I did give a clear warning beforehand and that is that.

After ending that relationship, I found that I felt a change. A change that I have never felt before. I was happy. I genuinely felt happy. For some odd reason, I became more positive and thankful. I started smiling more and things still didn't work out that much but it got better and better. Somehow, everything almost fell into place and I no longer feel angry and hate and depressed anymore. I have even moved on from my past and the best part is, I moved on as an individual. I did not depend on anyone which feels great. I can even look at my ex and his new girlfriend's picture without feeling hurt. Sting, maybe but not hurt. I'm okay.

Ever since I made that huge transition in life, honest to God, a lot of unexpected things happened to me. People whom I used to have a crush on suddenly contacted me out of the bloom, after joining Euphonious BOTB in college people started to notice me. (note: I was used to be invisible in the past). People started noticing my passion for music and basically, I'm not the invisible girl I used to be anymore but I'm still not very fond of attention so it doesn't really matter much.

So, I came to a conclusion that if you want good things to happen to you and have a happy life, you have to keep a positive mind and be able to fend for yourself and actually learn to be happy as an individual without relying on another person. Only then, you'll find that all of life's challenges are bearable because we all have a choice but what makes it hard is to make the positive choice available to choose because as humans, we are easily succumbed to all things negative especially when vulnerable. 

It will take time to do so but trust me, I'm a living breathing proof that it is possible. And so, that is how I have become the happy girl I am today. I may have forgotten to include some things but this is basically it. Good day, lovelies. X

2013

Hello everyone (if there's anyone. lol). How long has it been since I wrote? Too long. A lot of thing's and I repeat, A LOT of things has been happening to me since the last time I blogged :-

First and foremost, I am so happy with my life. For those who has been reading my blog should know how depressed I've been and to those who just started reading, well, I have been all kinds of negative in the past. So here's to change! I am eternally grateful for the blessings I've been given.

Honestly, I have never felt this happy ever. I'm happy to report that I have fully recovered from my unfortunate break-up and I have learned to accept the fact that it's over between us but of course it will still sting from time to time. Hey, we're only human but even though it stings, it won't be as much as it did. I'm content with what I have now. I have my wonderful family, my supportive friends, my seductive roommate, my crazy bandmates, my hyperactive coursemates and etc. What more do I need?

Relationships.
Not my priority at the moment. Being single is something I need right now but of course I'd wanna be with someone eventually but I don't wanna rush into any relationships at the moment. No more. I need to get to know someone for at least 4 months before being with that person cause frankly speaking, I'm serious this time and what I meant by serious is that I wanna get married serious so the next boyfriend I have should also be husband material and what I meant by that is that he must be enough for me to marry one day, if all goes well.

So far that's all I can say about what's going on with my life. In another post, I'll explain how being happy has put in effect to my life. Till then.

Man of Mystery

Hello there fellow readers (if there are any) ,
I'm gonna start my blog with a poem.

Each morning I wake up,

I feel completely different,

On rare occasions I feel the same,

Well that depends on the situation.

Even though my feelings changes,

Something seems to just stay,

My thoughts about you, my friend,

Pops out in my head each and everyday.

So, that explains briefly of what I'm about to write here in my blog. Okay, there's this guy in my college. Let me describe him from my point of view on how he looks. He is tall, skinny but not skin and bones skinny. Not too fair yet not dark. More or less like mocha? Anyway, he wears spectacles. His hair is indescribable and he has the most adorable smile I have ever seen on a person by far. So basically to me, he's cute.

I'm not going to fill in too many details cause I don't plan on letting y'all know who I'm referring to though if you're brilliant and observant then you should be able to guess by that description alone but nevertheless, I'm just going to continue on my story.

Recently, I have been developing these feelings. Attraction. This guy attracts me in ways I can't comprehend. He's very mysterious and quiet and just utterly intriguing. I can't seem to know what he is thinking and it's not like he showed signs of interest or anything. It's just that he is exciting by being quiet. Which is odd because he didn't do anything. He just makes me wanna know him more and more and makes me wonder what's on his mind. 

He has more or less the same taste as I do. Music wise. I mean, I can clique with him and he's just interesting somehow. I have to admit that I do fancy this guy but I just wanna know if there is chance at all. Doesn't have to be now. It can be in the future, who knows but I just wanna know if there is a possibility? If there is an attraction on his side towards me. I just need to know.

Why I need to know? That is another story..................................................................................................

It Will Be Okay by Syakirah

Hey just for those who wants the lyrics to my new song, here it is!
Here's the link to those who wanna listen -  It Will Be Okay by Syakirah (Original Song)

Verse 1

Sometimes you don't get what you want

But it's alright

Yeah it's alright

You might think that it is over now

But it's not

Just keep holding your head up high.

Chorus

How I wish that it'd stay the same

How I hope that things haven't changed

At least to something that wasn't true

I just know that we could be

Living together happily

Guess it's something we were forced to do

Letting go of me and you

Me and you

Verse 2

Everything happens for a reason

But you'll never know

You'll never know what it is.

You just gotta let it flow

Let it go

Even though

You know there's nothing you can do

Chorus x2

But things are not the same

Everything just had to change

Now it's time to face the truth

I've gotta live my life without you

Who am I?

Who am I? 

I'm a girl who lost sight of happiness in her life. Don't get me wrong. I'm utterly thankful for everything I have up until this day but as human beings, nothing is enough for us. We keep wanting more. 

What I want isn't necessarily what I need but having it in my life will change how I act on a daily basis. Having something so close and so dear to you been taken away from you forever can honestly kill a person. I know I have mentioned this in my previous post but what the hell do I care? 

It hurts.

What more can I say? It hurts. It hurts as though someone cuts you open in half while you were concious and ripped your heart out and carved their initial on it and assemble everything back together as if nothing ever happened. It hurts. I may have exaggerated the feeling but I swear the first time it hit me, that's how it felt.

Don't judge me unless you know how it feels. You don't know me and you don't know what I've been through for the past 18 years. I may be young, yes and I am aware that there are still a lot of things I don't understand and lack in knowledge but don't underestimate my emotions, imaginations and thoughts. 

Love

When it comes down to love, it's pretty straight forward. I love to love but I love to love someone who I love but at the same time they love me back and the love that we have is mutual and not one sided but yeah who the hell wants to get involved with a complex person like me? No one.

I mean I don't wanna be picky or anything but this is not like picking out clothes or something. This is picking out a partner that you may or may not end up with in the future. It's not that there are a lot of criteria's to fulfill but these things you just can't mess around with. Love isn't an experiment. You're not supposed to test out each match one by one, no. It doesn't work that way. Not to me that is. 

I'm falling from cloud 9

Hey.
I'm in need to express something and I would like some opinion on this. So the question is:-

Let's say you've been with a person for almost 3 years. and after more or less the 2nd year and 7th month of the relationship, your relationship failed but not because either one fell out of love but it's because you're forced to let your lover go. I repeat forced. And both of you are still madly in love with each other. If you were in this situation, would you move on and date another person a couple of weeks after the fallout or would you be taking your time and pray that the relationship can go on like normal in the future? Just imagine that you still love your partner. Would you?

As for me, I wouldn't and I couldn't even if I tried. This is what's happening to me. My supposedly other half found another girl with no time at all and I could consider me and the new girl friends. I cannot explain how distraught I feel and oh God I can't express how badly I wanna curse at both of them simultaneously right now. What's worse is that the girl knew how much I'm still in love with him. She knew and still didn't have the decency and the courtesy to refrain herself.

And what drove me even more off the wall was the fact that he used to badmouth this girl to me and he'd say that he doesn't like this type of girl. She is everything he hates yet now he's dating her. I can never do that. Moving on so quickly. I can't but I am trying my fucking hardest to. I'm sick of this treatment. Forever unappreciated by society. Never getting the respect I deserve. I'm done.

All in all, you're an ass and she's a bitch. Nothing more I can say to that.