Emotions

Sup. No one reads this anymore right so I'm just going to say what I need to say.

First off, before I start ranting, I'd like to say that I am thankful for everything good that has happened to me these past few months and I am very happy with it all. I am with someone who loves me dearly, who I never thought I'd be with in a million years if you ask me 2 years ago. But now, I'm with that guy. My best friend, my bandmate and now, my love. Of course, with all happiness, sadness will always be creeping around the corner to balance things out. Sometimes even takes control.

Despite being happy and thankful for all the good things that happen, I still feel sad and I know why I am sad. It's because I have expectations. Do you want to know why I have expectations? It's because all this while I've been in shitty ended relationships where I feel like I put so much effort into it but ended up with nothing but pain and a shattered heart. I expect that I'd be given someone who would be me in the relationship and I was. I was given that person who puts in so much effort and never gives up but not how I would do it. I feel bad for having this feeling because it is unfair for me to have this thought because he is not me. He doesn't have the same heart as I do. He doesn't show his affections the same way as I would. He doesn't have a natural flair in words as I do. I am more articulate and is easily expressive about my feelings. Which explains this post right here. I can't expect him to say all those sweet romantic things like I would but I can't help but to want that from him.

One of the reasons why I want him to do that so badly is because I am insecure with the fact that he is well known in his area and I could safely say that 80% of which are females. And a thing about me is that I don't trust girls. Not easily at least. Ironic because I am a girl myself but I'm saying this regarding girls who can't keep their paws to themselves and have no sense of respect towards another girl's relationship. It has happened to me before and she got away with it while I'm the one who had to suffer getting over 3 years worth of efforts and love.

I do not want the same thing happening. I know this isn't a way to solve it and doing it too much, could let this be a bigger point of discussion which is something I don't want either but I just want people to know and realize that I am important to this guy and special to him and that he is proud to have me as his girlfriend. I want it to sink in to people that this guy is already taken and not just by some girl but by someone he truly love and cares for. I know that this is not important in a relationship but for me right now, it'll help because its a way to keep off the girls who likes to interfere.

Like I said, it is not important. Unnecessary too but I still want it. I've never been the type that gets all of this appreciative shoutouts from people. It is always me who does it but I don't have people around me that would actually do that for me. Only one of my ex actually posts his appreciation for me when we were together and I took him for granted and I guess it was just not meant to be. Anyway, other than him, people don't do that for me. For example, posting a birthday shout to me on their instagram wishing me a happy birthday bla bla bla. I don't want to tell them that I want them to do it. Cause if I do then they'd do it because I said so. Even if they've thought of doing it, they didn't. They don't feel the need to do it immediately.

What has a girl got to do to feel appreciated and special in that sense? I know its not good to ask for that from people but I can't help but to feel this way. I've always wanted someone to be so proud of me that they want to show the world much they're in love with me. But at the same time have our private moments together. But I just want to read what people has got to say about me but how can I when no one ever does it for me?

And that's what I'm trying to fight. This needy and clingy and overly attached part of me. Because half of me doesn't want this to be done. So as I try to stop myself from being this person, I become a very sad person who is uncertain about what she wants. I'm being in denial because I don't want to tell my boyfriend what I want because it is ridiculous and unreasonable and unnecessary and something that he won't do because he wouldn't know what to say.

I'm so flooded with all these thoughts in my head and it just makes me feel so confused with what I want. I don't want to expect that people will do the same thing as I do to them. The efforts and all but I can't. I can't expect that so I'm trying so hard to stop this negativity but I can't help it. It's eating me inside. I can't tell my boyfriend because I can't make him be the person his not and it's not fair for me to want him to.

Life is just too complicated now and I don't know what to do.