Happiness

HAPPINESS : The beginning of how my life started to turn around.

Let me just refresh your memory and my memory. Last year around September or so, I had to experience an awful awful break-up with a guy I was with for almost 3 years. 3 months to 3 years to be exact. We fell apart and no matter how much I tried to save it, the effort was only a one way street which basically ended the relationship. He moved on in a flash while I was in my most vulnerable state ever and life itself felt meaningless at the time. I was a wreck. Complete and utter wreck. Cried everyday and night, I had hate surrounding me and all the negative vibes I had around me didn't make it any better. 

I tried moving on too so that I won't have to feel lonely. What do you expect from a girl who got used to always having someone there when she needs him and suddenly don't anymore. I was depressed and very lonely. I'm not the kind of girl who dates a lot and neither am I good at the flirting game but I'm attracted to people easily. I like them but it is very difficult for me to fall in love with them. I get bored, agitated and annoyed very easily. The spark usually lasts 3 months at the most. The guy who I was with for years (his name is Amin) was one of the exceptions.

There were a few people who approached me but I just couldn't be with them. I don't know why but then I met this guy, thinking he was the one that could fill up the hole in my depressing heart but I still knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but I took a risk and it ended being a risk I never should have taken. I still wasn't ready. It lasted for 3 months and in that 3 months I still could not get over Amin. Though, I did not lie whatsoever, I was honest the whole entire time. He knew I was still hurt and all and I felt really guilty for hurting him but I did give a clear warning beforehand and that is that.

After ending that relationship, I found that I felt a change. A change that I have never felt before. I was happy. I genuinely felt happy. For some odd reason, I became more positive and thankful. I started smiling more and things still didn't work out that much but it got better and better. Somehow, everything almost fell into place and I no longer feel angry and hate and depressed anymore. I have even moved on from my past and the best part is, I moved on as an individual. I did not depend on anyone which feels great. I can even look at my ex and his new girlfriend's picture without feeling hurt. Sting, maybe but not hurt. I'm okay.

Ever since I made that huge transition in life, honest to God, a lot of unexpected things happened to me. People whom I used to have a crush on suddenly contacted me out of the bloom, after joining Euphonious BOTB in college people started to notice me. (note: I was used to be invisible in the past). People started noticing my passion for music and basically, I'm not the invisible girl I used to be anymore but I'm still not very fond of attention so it doesn't really matter much.

So, I came to a conclusion that if you want good things to happen to you and have a happy life, you have to keep a positive mind and be able to fend for yourself and actually learn to be happy as an individual without relying on another person. Only then, you'll find that all of life's challenges are bearable because we all have a choice but what makes it hard is to make the positive choice available to choose because as humans, we are easily succumbed to all things negative especially when vulnerable. 

It will take time to do so but trust me, I'm a living breathing proof that it is possible. And so, that is how I have become the happy girl I am today. I may have forgotten to include some things but this is basically it. Good day, lovelies. X

2013

Hello everyone (if there's anyone. lol). How long has it been since I wrote? Too long. A lot of thing's and I repeat, A LOT of things has been happening to me since the last time I blogged :-

First and foremost, I am so happy with my life. For those who has been reading my blog should know how depressed I've been and to those who just started reading, well, I have been all kinds of negative in the past. So here's to change! I am eternally grateful for the blessings I've been given.

Honestly, I have never felt this happy ever. I'm happy to report that I have fully recovered from my unfortunate break-up and I have learned to accept the fact that it's over between us but of course it will still sting from time to time. Hey, we're only human but even though it stings, it won't be as much as it did. I'm content with what I have now. I have my wonderful family, my supportive friends, my seductive roommate, my crazy bandmates, my hyperactive coursemates and etc. What more do I need?

Relationships.
Not my priority at the moment. Being single is something I need right now but of course I'd wanna be with someone eventually but I don't wanna rush into any relationships at the moment. No more. I need to get to know someone for at least 4 months before being with that person cause frankly speaking, I'm serious this time and what I meant by serious is that I wanna get married serious so the next boyfriend I have should also be husband material and what I meant by that is that he must be enough for me to marry one day, if all goes well.

So far that's all I can say about what's going on with my life. In another post, I'll explain how being happy has put in effect to my life. Till then.

Man of Mystery

Hello there fellow readers (if there are any) ,
I'm gonna start my blog with a poem.

Each morning I wake up,

I feel completely different,

On rare occasions I feel the same,

Well that depends on the situation.

Even though my feelings changes,

Something seems to just stay,

My thoughts about you, my friend,

Pops out in my head each and everyday.

So, that explains briefly of what I'm about to write here in my blog. Okay, there's this guy in my college. Let me describe him from my point of view on how he looks. He is tall, skinny but not skin and bones skinny. Not too fair yet not dark. More or less like mocha? Anyway, he wears spectacles. His hair is indescribable and he has the most adorable smile I have ever seen on a person by far. So basically to me, he's cute.

I'm not going to fill in too many details cause I don't plan on letting y'all know who I'm referring to though if you're brilliant and observant then you should be able to guess by that description alone but nevertheless, I'm just going to continue on my story.

Recently, I have been developing these feelings. Attraction. This guy attracts me in ways I can't comprehend. He's very mysterious and quiet and just utterly intriguing. I can't seem to know what he is thinking and it's not like he showed signs of interest or anything. It's just that he is exciting by being quiet. Which is odd because he didn't do anything. He just makes me wanna know him more and more and makes me wonder what's on his mind. 

He has more or less the same taste as I do. Music wise. I mean, I can clique with him and he's just interesting somehow. I have to admit that I do fancy this guy but I just wanna know if there is chance at all. Doesn't have to be now. It can be in the future, who knows but I just wanna know if there is a possibility? If there is an attraction on his side towards me. I just need to know.

Why I need to know? That is another story..................................................................................................

It Will Be Okay by Syakirah

Hey just for those who wants the lyrics to my new song, here it is!
Here's the link to those who wanna listen -  It Will Be Okay by Syakirah (Original Song)

Verse 1

Sometimes you don't get what you want

But it's alright

Yeah it's alright

You might think that it is over now

But it's not

Just keep holding your head up high.

Chorus

How I wish that it'd stay the same

How I hope that things haven't changed

At least to something that wasn't true

I just know that we could be

Living together happily

Guess it's something we were forced to do

Letting go of me and you

Me and you

Verse 2

Everything happens for a reason

But you'll never know

You'll never know what it is.

You just gotta let it flow

Let it go

Even though

You know there's nothing you can do

Chorus x2

But things are not the same

Everything just had to change

Now it's time to face the truth

I've gotta live my life without you

Who am I?

Who am I? 

I'm a girl who lost sight of happiness in her life. Don't get me wrong. I'm utterly thankful for everything I have up until this day but as human beings, nothing is enough for us. We keep wanting more. 

What I want isn't necessarily what I need but having it in my life will change how I act on a daily basis. Having something so close and so dear to you been taken away from you forever can honestly kill a person. I know I have mentioned this in my previous post but what the hell do I care? 

It hurts.

What more can I say? It hurts. It hurts as though someone cuts you open in half while you were concious and ripped your heart out and carved their initial on it and assemble everything back together as if nothing ever happened. It hurts. I may have exaggerated the feeling but I swear the first time it hit me, that's how it felt.

Don't judge me unless you know how it feels. You don't know me and you don't know what I've been through for the past 18 years. I may be young, yes and I am aware that there are still a lot of things I don't understand and lack in knowledge but don't underestimate my emotions, imaginations and thoughts. 

Love

When it comes down to love, it's pretty straight forward. I love to love but I love to love someone who I love but at the same time they love me back and the love that we have is mutual and not one sided but yeah who the hell wants to get involved with a complex person like me? No one.

I mean I don't wanna be picky or anything but this is not like picking out clothes or something. This is picking out a partner that you may or may not end up with in the future. It's not that there are a lot of criteria's to fulfill but these things you just can't mess around with. Love isn't an experiment. You're not supposed to test out each match one by one, no. It doesn't work that way. Not to me that is. 

I'm falling from cloud 9

Hey.
I'm in need to express something and I would like some opinion on this. So the question is:-

Let's say you've been with a person for almost 3 years. and after more or less the 2nd year and 7th month of the relationship, your relationship failed but not because either one fell out of love but it's because you're forced to let your lover go. I repeat forced. And both of you are still madly in love with each other. If you were in this situation, would you move on and date another person a couple of weeks after the fallout or would you be taking your time and pray that the relationship can go on like normal in the future? Just imagine that you still love your partner. Would you?

As for me, I wouldn't and I couldn't even if I tried. This is what's happening to me. My supposedly other half found another girl with no time at all and I could consider me and the new girl friends. I cannot explain how distraught I feel and oh God I can't express how badly I wanna curse at both of them simultaneously right now. What's worse is that the girl knew how much I'm still in love with him. She knew and still didn't have the decency and the courtesy to refrain herself.

And what drove me even more off the wall was the fact that he used to badmouth this girl to me and he'd say that he doesn't like this type of girl. She is everything he hates yet now he's dating her. I can never do that. Moving on so quickly. I can't but I am trying my fucking hardest to. I'm sick of this treatment. Forever unappreciated by society. Never getting the respect I deserve. I'm done.

All in all, you're an ass and she's a bitch. Nothing more I can say to that.

Where have you been all my life

Why, hello there. It's been prehistoric times since I last blogged. Yes, no one reads it anymore but I don't give two fishes about that. I am here, mainly to express. 

For starters, I am in Petronas University of Technology (UTP) and I'm currently doing my foundation in Electrical and Electronic Engineering. Yeah, pretty crazy huh? Me, doing engineering? Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way too. I don't even know why I'm here anymore. Somehow it all feels pointless. I feel like I don't belong there. Anyone who is anyone knows I was made to be involved in the arts but I guess I was delusional when I thought Engineering was my calling. 

I just completed my first semester and honestly, I don't feel like I wanna continue. I wanna sing, I wanna dance and I wanna act. That has been my passion probably since I was in diapers. For quite some time, broadway has been my goal. Broadway was where I wanted to be after a few years of graduating from high school. What was I thinking? I can't pull out now. Not after everything I have done to actually get here, no. 

As for everything else in my life, well you can pretty much say I'm a train wreck. I lost the love of my life and I am not able to have him back in my life. Don't get me wrong, our relationship didn't fail and our love didn't fade away. Something else tore us apart and frankly, it tore me apart. It crushed and, to be specific, killed every ounce and inch of happiness I have in my depressing soul. 

I lost my motivation, my safe place, my shoulder to cry on, my backbone, my best friend, my love and the piece to my incomplete puzzle. You may think I'm overreacting and there are plenty of guys out there and I'm just 18 and shouldn't be worried about this but you have not been in my shoes to know how I feel. 

He was the only guy I have ever truly loved and I was lucky to have him in my life. I was blessed and happy. Although we had our fights and downfalls but to be honest, I can never have that magic we had in our relationship with another person, no. Believe me, I have tried moving on but nobody can ever come close to him. He's my saviour, my knight in shining armour and my prince charming. He's everything I want and need. 

To put it simply, I'm unhappy. You might question why is he so important to me and I should focus on something else such as my studies but you don't understand. He keeps me going. Like I've mentioned earlier, he is my backbone. No one makes me feel alive more than he does. 

Conclusion, I'm miserable and I don't feel like Engineering is what I'm supposed to do anymore. With that, I end this post with a short poem :-

In life there are many joys,

They come in many packages,

Some you can see, some you can wear,

Even though they might be rough around their edges.

Some things complete your life,

It may be anything you see,

For me is that one man,

Who I was forced to set free.

He's my Superman,

When I'm Lois Lane,

Each day when I pray,

I pray we'll be together again.

Love, 

Syakirah ★

Title-less

Hello yellow dirty fellow! Yes, it has been months since I last blogged. Its already April. A new month.
Things has been on the rough side lately for me. I've been feeling lonely and depressed. Yes, I am aware that I'm still young and I still have my whole life ahead of me but time has changed and the world is advancing at full throttle and everyone has to keep up to speed.
Anyway, I'm a sensitive person and the littlest of things could hurt me. But only when I have so much hope and belief and trust in that particular thing such as love.
When it comes to love, faith is always there. Though fear does exist but its something I always ignore. Which in my case is bad as people tend to hurt me. No matter what I do or try to do or even didn't even get the chance to do, people hurt me.
I may not have the first impression everyone wants as I am definitely the type of person you'd need to get to know but tell me this, how will that happen if people shut me down before I get the chance to get to know me. This sort of thing is what makes me difficult to make friends. I'm simply afraid. Hence, the loneliness.

Enough about the emotional sappy stuff for now. I know I will have plenty of those yet to come. Trust me.
Happiness, however, is rare.
I recently joined a contemporary dance class and it reminded me how much I love dancing and how it made me happy. Who am I kidding, engineering? I know I would do well but the passion isn't there.
I love performing and it makes me feel good. Though insecurities never fails to bring me down but it doesn't matter because its what I love to do. Hopefully, an opportunity strikes. It would mean absolutely the world to me.

Unfortunately, thats all I have time for.

mucho gracias, ♥

The best songs.....

....are the one's that you've experienced.

If you haven't guessed it yet, I composed a new song. This song makes me wanna cry every time I sing it. 

Its called Fall Down.

Verse 1 

I stand here all alone and I'm looking in the mirror 

And I fall down on the ground

As I see what I have left now and everything is gone

And I'm starting to think maybe there's a lesson for me

Fall down.....

Chorus

Why would you do to me what you did to me

You're breaking me now 

You can't understand how I'm torn into pieces

Can you imagine what I'm feeling

You're hurting me now

But I won't stop reaching where I need to me

Where I need to be

It was right in front of me

Well, that's where I've gotten so far and I'm still working on the rest of it so hopefully this song means something to you guys as it does for me. 

ciao bella , ♥

Puzzles and Confusion

Hey there guys. I know it has been around two months since I blogged. Well, there's not much to report actually until recently.

STARBUCKS TAMAN TUN WILL BE OPENING ON THE 28TH OF FEBRUARY, 2012, ON A TUESDAY! 

That would be the most recent exciting readable news about whats going on with my life but before that there was a real unfortunate event that occurred also quite recently but that's a family matter and I'd rather not go public with those sort of content and basically I'd rather not go public with any content of my problems. You people will judge and it would create more problems. If you would like to know what has been bothering me lately, ask. I'll share if I want to and only if you are willing to keep an open mind. Judgments are strictly prohibited and I will not accept it. 

I'm sorry if I sound serious or whatever but I've been sad. Really sad and frankly, I don't know what can make me happy. Even my love life is confusing me. I don't know what I want anymore. All I am looking for is happiness. Just happiness from wherever necessary but until then.

Forever unhappy, ☹