Emotions

Sup. No one reads this anymore right so I'm just going to say what I need to say.

First off, before I start ranting, I'd like to say that I am thankful for everything good that has happened to me these past few months and I am very happy with it all. I am with someone who loves me dearly, who I never thought I'd be with in a million years if you ask me 2 years ago. But now, I'm with that guy. My best friend, my bandmate and now, my love. Of course, with all happiness, sadness will always be creeping around the corner to balance things out. Sometimes even takes control.

Despite being happy and thankful for all the good things that happen, I still feel sad and I know why I am sad. It's because I have expectations. Do you want to know why I have expectations? It's because all this while I've been in shitty ended relationships where I feel like I put so much effort into it but ended up with nothing but pain and a shattered heart. I expect that I'd be given someone who would be me in the relationship and I was. I was given that person who puts in so much effort and never gives up but not how I would do it. I feel bad for having this feeling because it is unfair for me to have this thought because he is not me. He doesn't have the same heart as I do. He doesn't show his affections the same way as I would. He doesn't have a natural flair in words as I do. I am more articulate and is easily expressive about my feelings. Which explains this post right here. I can't expect him to say all those sweet romantic things like I would but I can't help but to want that from him.

One of the reasons why I want him to do that so badly is because I am insecure with the fact that he is well known in his area and I could safely say that 80% of which are females. And a thing about me is that I don't trust girls. Not easily at least. Ironic because I am a girl myself but I'm saying this regarding girls who can't keep their paws to themselves and have no sense of respect towards another girl's relationship. It has happened to me before and she got away with it while I'm the one who had to suffer getting over 3 years worth of efforts and love.

I do not want the same thing happening. I know this isn't a way to solve it and doing it too much, could let this be a bigger point of discussion which is something I don't want either but I just want people to know and realize that I am important to this guy and special to him and that he is proud to have me as his girlfriend. I want it to sink in to people that this guy is already taken and not just by some girl but by someone he truly love and cares for. I know that this is not important in a relationship but for me right now, it'll help because its a way to keep off the girls who likes to interfere.

Like I said, it is not important. Unnecessary too but I still want it. I've never been the type that gets all of this appreciative shoutouts from people. It is always me who does it but I don't have people around me that would actually do that for me. Only one of my ex actually posts his appreciation for me when we were together and I took him for granted and I guess it was just not meant to be. Anyway, other than him, people don't do that for me. For example, posting a birthday shout to me on their instagram wishing me a happy birthday bla bla bla. I don't want to tell them that I want them to do it. Cause if I do then they'd do it because I said so. Even if they've thought of doing it, they didn't. They don't feel the need to do it immediately.

What has a girl got to do to feel appreciated and special in that sense? I know its not good to ask for that from people but I can't help but to feel this way. I've always wanted someone to be so proud of me that they want to show the world much they're in love with me. But at the same time have our private moments together. But I just want to read what people has got to say about me but how can I when no one ever does it for me?

And that's what I'm trying to fight. This needy and clingy and overly attached part of me. Because half of me doesn't want this to be done. So as I try to stop myself from being this person, I become a very sad person who is uncertain about what she wants. I'm being in denial because I don't want to tell my boyfriend what I want because it is ridiculous and unreasonable and unnecessary and something that he won't do because he wouldn't know what to say.

I'm so flooded with all these thoughts in my head and it just makes me feel so confused with what I want. I don't want to expect that people will do the same thing as I do to them. The efforts and all but I can't. I can't expect that so I'm trying so hard to stop this negativity but I can't help it. It's eating me inside. I can't tell my boyfriend because I can't make him be the person his not and it's not fair for me to want him to.

Life is just too complicated now and I don't know what to do.

Self expression

Yes, I still blog. Though I know probably no one reads it anymore but well, that's even better!

Happy.

I am happy. Genuinely happy with my life, alhamdulillah. I am grateful for all the blessings I have. One of them would have to be crossing paths with my current boyfriend, H. We've been a couple for a month plus already and things are great between us, alhamdulillah. I know that it's only a month but staying in a relationship is very difficult these days so even though it's a month, I'm still proud of it and I don't care what people think. This guy makes me even more happy than I was before. He's the fudge on top of an ice cream. Makes everything better.

With him, It feels truly genuine. I have no doubts about his love for me. I trust him. I've never told my parents that I have a boyfriend before. I mean, I would just assume they already know which they do so that spared me the fear of telling them. This time, with him, I told my mother. I was upfront and honest with the fact that he was my boyfriend. I didn't say anything to my father yet cause it is still too soon but still. This is a huge thing to me because I've never done it before. Not even with Amin and I was with him for almost 3 years. 

I have to be frank here and say that I can feel that what H and I have is very special. It's a spark like no other. People may not notice it but I know myself and I feel the difference. Due to the fact people usually don't take notice about how I function, they probably wouldn't realize that Love Song is the first happy love song I've written so far. Correction, first happy song in general. I have always tried composing a positive song but I can't seem to get it or stick to it because for the past 18 years, I wasn't completely happy. 

For the past 18 years, the negativity overpowered the positivity and now its the opposite. I feel the difference. I've grown so much and I've learned so much about myself and who I was. I no longer feel angry with the fact Amin and I broke up. We definitely should have and honestly, I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad that we parted ways because if we didn't, I wouldn't have met the perfect guy for me. I wouldn't have met the person who understands me completely and fell for who I am and not how I looked.

Our love is magic because it only took one single look to ignite the fire. Fate has its ways. That's why you have to always trust it. Have faith in fate and always trust your gut and instinct. My instinct about him was really strong. I was in denial at first but as things progressed, my thoughts and feelings doesn't seem too crazy after all. Yes, we got together super fast but sometimes things happen when it wants to happen. In my case, I'm glad it happened when it did. 

Love Song by Syakirah

Composed another song entitled Love Song.

Verse 1

Took a look outside when the lights are out and the sky is so pretty

And my world is calm when the night grows old and nothing else mattered

You are the only one on my mind

And I can't think of another time I don't miss you

Cause I miss you

Chorus

Baby I, I love you to the moon and back

And it doesn't get any cheesier than that

I would never expect this to happen to me

Baby you, you're my own wish come true

There's just this certain part of you

That I know no one else could see

But me.

Verse 2

Every morning when I wake up I can't seem to stop myself from smiling

It's unusual because I've always been drowning

I've never met anyone like you

And that's cause no one thinks the same way that you do

You're different

So very different

Chorus

Baby I, I love you to the moon and back

And it doesn't get any cheesier than that

I would never expect this to happen to me

Baby you, you're my own wish come true

There's just this certain part of you

That I know no one else could see

But me.

Bridge

All this while I've been searching for

The right path 

An open door

That could probably guide me to where I'm meant to be

I gotta say I was all in pain

But now I know it was not in vain

Because it lead me to you

It lead me to you

Chorus

Baby I, I love you to the moon and back

And it doesn't get any cheesier than that

I would never expect this to happen to me

Baby you, you're my own wish come true

There's just this certain part of you

That I know no one else could see

But me

Baby I, I don't want this to end

Because you made my heart unbend

I know I'm sure that this is true

I love you.

Isn't that love?

LOVE.

What is it? 

So, what is love? How does it feel? 

In my personal opinion, these aren't facts, I'm just stating what it is in my own perspective. Love is when you feel like you're home. Love is when you know that at the end of the day, it's where you can go back to. Be it a building, a person, an object, anything!  

Loving a person (relationship) is exactly the same. You know you love a person when you start the day with them and you end the day with them. You know you love a person when you still feel that same tingling feeling even after being together for a long time. Love is very subjective. It can mean a lot of different things to different people. If I were to write down all about what I think love is, it would probably be a never ending essay. 

Love however, doesn't come by often. You feel it only with certain people. It cannot be forced and grown from zero. At least not to me. I can only love a person if I already have that initial interest. Love is just like a plant. I needs a seed to grow. That's me. That's how I function and I've only had one seed planted until the day I met H. 

I can still remember how I felt when I first saw him. Though, I can't explain what I felt. I wish I could but it's simply unexplainable yet I knew that this person was special. I felt it in my gut that this is a sign but being human, we will always have doubts and so I did nothing. I didn't go looking for him. Neither did I actually pay attention to this. I went on with my life like normal. 

Suddenly, fate came back and completed its purpose. Some way somehow, the world brought us back together and we got closer and closer each time we have a conversation. He really is special. From the way he talks, the way he thinks, his opinions etc. I started falling for him. I tried to contain myself and prevent myself from doing so but I failed. Probably it's just fate telling me to accept its gift and in the end, I did. I found my home.

People can talk about how fast it happened and all of that and to be honest, it is. It did happen really fast but that is why you need to have faith. Things will fall into place just as long as you believe it can. Law of attraction. I believed and so far Alhamdulillah, it has been going great. I've been smiling a lot and I genuinely am happy. I finally feel like I got the happiness I deserve. 

Mr. H makes me happy. He is amazing. Even words cannot describe him. I'm a very lucky girl to be able to be with someone so nice and sincere. I know you're probably thinking "Alaa, baru sekejap je. Lama lama bosan lah tu" or somewhere along those lines, but this guy makes me feel like how Amin made me feel but even better. Way way better. I can feel in my skin, bones and fats that this is the guy I wanna be with till I can't any more. 

Until next time, X

Butterflies, don't fly away.

Life has been such a bumpy ride lately, a rollercoaster. But that's life. You can't have it all, all the time. There will come a time where you are at your worst and also your best. I was not in the best state I can be last month. I was stressed, annoyed, insecure and just plain sad. Couldn't help but to feel like that at the time but it's natural and I knew that I'll get back up and that's what happened.

I got back up. With the help of my family, my two beloved roommates, my oh so loving coursemates and another person who should remain nameless for the moment - let's call him, Anonymous. So, I've been spending a lot of time with my two roommates, Afiqah and Zulaika (unofficial roommate). I don't have that many girl friends so spending time with them really makes me happy. Honestly, I do not know how they feel about me being around them but I am honestly thankful to have them around me. I enjoy their company.

My coursemates? Well, I recently started wearing hijab and I am touched by how supportive they are of it. You know, I would never thought that I could clique with them but I was absolutely wrong. They are just as crazy as I am and it's awesome. To have these smart people who are not only smart but not boring! They are far from boring and trust me, they know how to have fun. They made bearing with EE Engineering a lot easier because they are so helpful. They aren't selfish when it comes to sharing knowledge and helping out. They are family. We are one family and I'm happy to be a part of that family.

So about Mr. Anonymous. I haven't known him for very long but I want to. I wanna get to know him. I believe in fate and the fact that everything happens for a reason. I don't know if this is fate or anything but that's where faith comes along. Personally, it is extremely difficult for me to actually fall for someone. I'm not being choosy, it's just the heart saying that he's not the one. And because I am easily annoyed. I cannot stand stalkers who has to search my name in Google to know more about me or rely on reading my tweets to know how I'm currently feeling. I'm a social network addict but when it comes to relationships, I do not believe in using the social network to mainly communicate or know more about the person. So back to Mr. Anonymous. As of now, July 13, 2013 (not saying I'll be certain of this feeling in the future), he's awesome. I won't describe why here because well, I don't want to jinx it but I will say this. He makes me want to care. There's this feeling inside me which I can't really tell if I've felt it before or not but I want it to stay.

Life is good when it's good. I have got to remind myself that that could easily change so that I won't take things for granted. I'd share more but until I feel comfortable doing so, this will be it.

X

Everything ends.

All hopes are gone,

When I thought things started to turn around,

I was searching for something,

That was not meant to be found.

I may be loud,

I may be outspoken,

But that could easily be a disguise,

A simple misconception.

No one sees the real me,

But they think they do,

It's all about how you present yourself,

Not everyone wants others to see the real you.

That's the hardest secret,

A person could ever keep,

It's the thing that makes them most vulnerable,

Not everyone share something that deep.

One simple thing,

For everyone to remember,

Is that think before you speak,

Because nothing in this world last forever.

When you rise, you will fall.

I have a lot of things on my mind that I wish was easy to express without offending anybody. I am a lot of things. I do everything but I'm never actually good enough at one thing for me to actually be proud of. I don't have that one special talent that I excel in so most of the time, I end up feeling worthless and useless and basically awful about myself because I'm not good enough in anything or good enough for anyone.

Poor self confidence is what I'm suffering. I don't believe that I can be good at something ever. I psych myself out. Nobody needs to do that to me cause I've already done it for them but since they don't know that, I still get psyched by others which results in double the stress.

Sometimes I wanna just sit down and be quiet and actually be my true true self but what would that do? I'm not usually bubbly or talkative or what not. I do that mostly to avoid awkward situations but if I had a choice, I'd probably shut people down because I don't wanna get hurt. I would just be in my own world but then, humans being humans, will say that I'm arrogant and anti-social and I don't like that either. I mean yes, people say what they wanna say and you're not supposed to care but newsflash, it matters. What people think of you or say about you matters. I myself want to not care but having having people talk nice things and giving moral support is much better than having people talk bad and bring you down.

These things play a huge role in life, at least in mine. Considering I've always been the person who has always had trouble keeping friends. I don't know why. Everything I do just never seems to be right. I wouldn't even consider the fact that they're jealous of me because I have nothing worth being jealous of but like I said, I have my flaws. My imperfections are all over the place.

I already know I'm imperfect. I don't need anyone else to contribute to that and make me feel worse about myself. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. I'm not gonna deny that constructive criticism is a good thing but all I actually need (which I never really get) is a boost. I don't wanna feel completely worthless. I can handle criticisms but I'm only human. I do have a heart. I'm not heartless yet. Nobody can ever see what's beyond my surface. What and who I really am has always been kept discretely.

No one knows me and no one ever will.

Happiness

HAPPINESS : The beginning of how my life started to turn around.

Let me just refresh your memory and my memory. Last year around September or so, I had to experience an awful awful break-up with a guy I was with for almost 3 years. 3 months to 3 years to be exact. We fell apart and no matter how much I tried to save it, the effort was only a one way street which basically ended the relationship. He moved on in a flash while I was in my most vulnerable state ever and life itself felt meaningless at the time. I was a wreck. Complete and utter wreck. Cried everyday and night, I had hate surrounding me and all the negative vibes I had around me didn't make it any better. 

I tried moving on too so that I won't have to feel lonely. What do you expect from a girl who got used to always having someone there when she needs him and suddenly don't anymore. I was depressed and very lonely. I'm not the kind of girl who dates a lot and neither am I good at the flirting game but I'm attracted to people easily. I like them but it is very difficult for me to fall in love with them. I get bored, agitated and annoyed very easily. The spark usually lasts 3 months at the most. The guy who I was with for years (his name is Amin) was one of the exceptions.

There were a few people who approached me but I just couldn't be with them. I don't know why but then I met this guy, thinking he was the one that could fill up the hole in my depressing heart but I still knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but I took a risk and it ended being a risk I never should have taken. I still wasn't ready. It lasted for 3 months and in that 3 months I still could not get over Amin. Though, I did not lie whatsoever, I was honest the whole entire time. He knew I was still hurt and all and I felt really guilty for hurting him but I did give a clear warning beforehand and that is that.

After ending that relationship, I found that I felt a change. A change that I have never felt before. I was happy. I genuinely felt happy. For some odd reason, I became more positive and thankful. I started smiling more and things still didn't work out that much but it got better and better. Somehow, everything almost fell into place and I no longer feel angry and hate and depressed anymore. I have even moved on from my past and the best part is, I moved on as an individual. I did not depend on anyone which feels great. I can even look at my ex and his new girlfriend's picture without feeling hurt. Sting, maybe but not hurt. I'm okay.

Ever since I made that huge transition in life, honest to God, a lot of unexpected things happened to me. People whom I used to have a crush on suddenly contacted me out of the bloom, after joining Euphonious BOTB in college people started to notice me. (note: I was used to be invisible in the past). People started noticing my passion for music and basically, I'm not the invisible girl I used to be anymore but I'm still not very fond of attention so it doesn't really matter much.

So, I came to a conclusion that if you want good things to happen to you and have a happy life, you have to keep a positive mind and be able to fend for yourself and actually learn to be happy as an individual without relying on another person. Only then, you'll find that all of life's challenges are bearable because we all have a choice but what makes it hard is to make the positive choice available to choose because as humans, we are easily succumbed to all things negative especially when vulnerable. 

It will take time to do so but trust me, I'm a living breathing proof that it is possible. And so, that is how I have become the happy girl I am today. I may have forgotten to include some things but this is basically it. Good day, lovelies. X

2013

Hello everyone (if there's anyone. lol). How long has it been since I wrote? Too long. A lot of thing's and I repeat, A LOT of things has been happening to me since the last time I blogged :-

First and foremost, I am so happy with my life. For those who has been reading my blog should know how depressed I've been and to those who just started reading, well, I have been all kinds of negative in the past. So here's to change! I am eternally grateful for the blessings I've been given.

Honestly, I have never felt this happy ever. I'm happy to report that I have fully recovered from my unfortunate break-up and I have learned to accept the fact that it's over between us but of course it will still sting from time to time. Hey, we're only human but even though it stings, it won't be as much as it did. I'm content with what I have now. I have my wonderful family, my supportive friends, my seductive roommate, my crazy bandmates, my hyperactive coursemates and etc. What more do I need?

Relationships.
Not my priority at the moment. Being single is something I need right now but of course I'd wanna be with someone eventually but I don't wanna rush into any relationships at the moment. No more. I need to get to know someone for at least 4 months before being with that person cause frankly speaking, I'm serious this time and what I meant by serious is that I wanna get married serious so the next boyfriend I have should also be husband material and what I meant by that is that he must be enough for me to marry one day, if all goes well.

So far that's all I can say about what's going on with my life. In another post, I'll explain how being happy has put in effect to my life. Till then.

Man of Mystery

Hello there fellow readers (if there are any) ,
I'm gonna start my blog with a poem.

Each morning I wake up,

I feel completely different,

On rare occasions I feel the same,

Well that depends on the situation.

Even though my feelings changes,

Something seems to just stay,

My thoughts about you, my friend,

Pops out in my head each and everyday.

So, that explains briefly of what I'm about to write here in my blog. Okay, there's this guy in my college. Let me describe him from my point of view on how he looks. He is tall, skinny but not skin and bones skinny. Not too fair yet not dark. More or less like mocha? Anyway, he wears spectacles. His hair is indescribable and he has the most adorable smile I have ever seen on a person by far. So basically to me, he's cute.

I'm not going to fill in too many details cause I don't plan on letting y'all know who I'm referring to though if you're brilliant and observant then you should be able to guess by that description alone but nevertheless, I'm just going to continue on my story.

Recently, I have been developing these feelings. Attraction. This guy attracts me in ways I can't comprehend. He's very mysterious and quiet and just utterly intriguing. I can't seem to know what he is thinking and it's not like he showed signs of interest or anything. It's just that he is exciting by being quiet. Which is odd because he didn't do anything. He just makes me wanna know him more and more and makes me wonder what's on his mind. 

He has more or less the same taste as I do. Music wise. I mean, I can clique with him and he's just interesting somehow. I have to admit that I do fancy this guy but I just wanna know if there is chance at all. Doesn't have to be now. It can be in the future, who knows but I just wanna know if there is a possibility? If there is an attraction on his side towards me. I just need to know.

Why I need to know? That is another story..................................................................................................